Steve Bartlett Blog

I am so lucky! People have been sending me pictures of their cats!

That's got me so excited I've been Irish step-dancing like that thing in the Robaxacet commercials.

In a recent column on my weighty cat, Jakey, I asked readers for advice on how to help him drop a few pounds. They gave it to me. Pics et al.

Some of the responses were even fit to print.

One writer suggested Jakey might just be naturally fat and not have a problem.

"I thought my Barney Boo was fat until I brought him to the vet recently for a check up and was informed that at, 17 pounds and only 2.5 years old, he is considered a 'large' cat rather than a 'fat' cat," she wrote.

I hope she's right because that would mean I didn't play a role in making Jakey reach a weight where he leaves footprints in ceramic tile. (And, no offense, but "Barney Boo?")

Speaking of vets, most respondents suggested that's where I should take Jakey. We'll be heading there, and I'll be more afraid than the cat. Sitting in a waiting room with a fat feline amongst all those humungous, hungry, dogs is about as fun as being the patient in home dentistry.

Anyway, in seeking advice on skinnying my cat, I also requested the responses purr with puns.

If there was a legal limit to pun usage, the email from "Barb" - the woman's real name - would land her in the slammer for a very, very long time.

"Poor Jakey, I know what it's like carrying around extra pounds. I've been doing it for years.

"Get him off the couch. Too much sleep is no good so forget the cat-nap, get him to the cat-walk, or play cat-ch with him (it keeps dogs slim). With all that exercise, you'll need to have lots of cat-ty litter for him. That will keep Stevie out of the dog house. If he does too much exercise, take him for a sail on a cat-amaran to relax him. Or you could cat-apult him through the air and, hopefully, he'd think he's a cat-bird and flap his paws, and that's a great workout.

"You love Jakey, so make sure he doesn't overdo it. Reward him with treats that can be found in any cat-alogue on pets. If he seems in pain, cat-er to him, serve him fresh cat-erpillars, cat-fish and cat-sup, if that's his thing. Please don't be alarmed if you hear his caterwauls - believe me that's a good thing for Jakey. But be on the safe side, and if you are really concerned about his health, take him to your vet for a CATscan. It certainly cat-n't hurt.

"Better go now. Gotta tie up the cat-tails with some cat-gut to bring to the fall sale at a cat-lic church. Cat-ch ya later."

Thanks, Barb, for making me cat-atonic. It must have been cat-hartic for you.

Not all feedback was punny though.

One guy sent an email titled "See ya Jakey." In it, he suggested how to get rid of our portly pussycat's poundage permanently. Thanks for the advice, but my house has a no-kill policy for all creatures except European earwigs - and husbands/fathers who harm Jakey.